A Walk to Remember

It was around 10PM that night and I was taking a shower. Suddenly, my mind went back to a conversation that I had with my best friend Safwan on the 11th of September, 2010. We had gone to the Connemara Library and had our lunch at a small eatery nearby. Our next plan was to visit the then newly-opened Express Avenue. As is our habit, we decided to walk all the way from the library to the shopping mall. That is a staggering distance of around 3.5 kms.

My grandmother had passed away only the previous week, so we were talking about her and the funeral ceremony in general. Safwan lost his grandmother a couple of years back. He told me how nearly one thousand people had attended his grandmother's last rites and how much respect they all had for her.

I realized that his grandmother was unlike mine. Honestly speaking, I have never had a close relationship with either of my grandmothers. My maternal grandmother lived more than 400 kms away from us, so we couldn't visit her often. Unfortunately, though my paternal grandmother lived with us, she maintained a great emotional distance with us which made it seem as if she also lived 400 kms away from us. There were many reasons for us to feel this way. I don't want to get into details here though.

But then, I was pouring out my frustration towards my grandmother's ways and how she treated us when she was alive. Safwan listened to all that and asked me if I had heard of a particular story about a father and his two sons. I said I wasn't aware and he told me the story. It went like this:

A highly abusive and alcoholic person had two sons. He used to pick up fights in the neighbourhood and earned a reputation for 'pure evil.' His wife, unable to bear his atrocities, died at a very young age. The irresponsible father never cared for his sons and the two of them grew up on their own. The elder son grew up and became as abusive and reckless as his father. No one respected him and never wished to maintain a cordial relationship with him.

On the other hand, the younger son went on to become a mature individual who behaved responsibly and earned a good name in the society. He tasted success in all his ventures and everyone admired him for his determination and courage.

One day, one of the younger son's friends asked him, "Your father is the worst person I have ever known personally and your brother is the second worst. How come you alone are different from them?"

To this, the 'odd man out' replied, "My brother considered my father a role model of 'how to live' and I considered the same person a role model of 'how not to live'. That's what made me stand apart from them."

The friend was quite surprised by the answer and acquired some essential wisdom for life.

By the time Safwan finished telling this story, we had almost reached Express Avenue. I learnt a great lesson that day. You would have come across that lesson time and again in your lives.

The lesson is: "Everyone has something to teach. It's what we learn and how we learn it that moulds our characters."

Safwan and I have walked long distances on previous occasions too and those memories will be fresh in my mind as well. The reason for that would be either something humourous or unusual. But the reason to remember this particular walk till death is something worth cherishing. I had learnt a highly valuable lesson.

The Art of Parenting

“And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children."

And he said:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.”

       - An excerpt from Kahlil Gibran’s “The Prophet”

I’m not sure how many people have read these words, or how many people have realized the truth behind these words through their experiences in life. But what I’m sure of is a major portion of Indian parents, especially those belonging to the middle class, would not even understand what Gibran conveys through these words. Even if they do understand, they would never apply it in their lives.

That brings us to the ever-raging debate of ‘responsible parenting.’ “India is progressing in many areas, but Indian people are not.” This argument holds good even when you consider the Indian way of parenting. Despite various rational explanations and realizations, this particular area is in a standstill. Most of the Indian youth still do not pursue their passions due to the overwhelming compulsion of their parents. Be it professional life, or personal life, it is the parents who still have the rights to make the final decision.

Going back to the Vedic period, children were sent to gurukulas, where they learnt whatever they wished to learn and attained excellence in it. Perhaps, that’s how ancient India had an abundance of skilled artisans in different fields, which eventually brought in a great deal of wealth to the whole nation. Children learnt what they wanted to learn and did what they wanted to do. But the present day scenario is diametrically opposite to the aforementioned case. Citing reasons such as financial security in the long run, today’s parents do not allow their children to pursue their own passions.

First of all, parents mainly think that children lack experience and that this lack of experience would not help them in life. So what? The child has so many years of life left. He/she would continue to learn till death. ‘No matter how hard you teach, anyone can understand anything only if he/she puts in the same effort to learn.’ Today’s advice-o-phobic youth wants to experience everything firsthand. While this may not be possible and advisable in each and every case, it is worth taking the risk in simple things.

The Western way of bringing up kids is quite commendable. The child is a part of the family only till a particular age. After that, one has to go on with life on one’s own. We may observe this wonderful trend among animals. A tiger raises and takes care of its cubs only till a certain age, after which the cubs become ‘solitary reapers.’ This practice is not restricted only to tigers, but can be noticed in the case of almost all animals. If that’s how nature wants things to be, why should we attempt to alter it? Precisely, that’s what Indian parents do. Attempt to alter the way of nature.

To be honest, we still live in a backward society. How can we call ourselves ‘forward-thinking,’ when the freedom and interests of individuals are not respected? Children should be motivated to live and do things on their own. After all, we live only once. Why should we convince and console ourselves if we can’t achieve our dreams? In fact, parents should be the first people to teach and inspire their children to dream and pursue those dreams. They should not exhibit any kind of negativity in their thoughts or words.

The matter gets worse when it comes to personal life. Most youngsters do not end up marrying the ones they love sincerely and wholeheartedly. Broken hearts, lifelong grievances and unhappy lives are what we find frequently due to love affairs that do not end in marriage. What kind of freedom is it if a person cannot marry the one whom he/she loves?
I don’t suggest that parents abandon their children and go on with their own lives. I only suggest that parents stop holding their children’s hands when the latter become 100% confident of walking on their own.

Parenting is an art. Perhaps, that’s why we rarely see a da Vinci or a Picasso amidst us.