Thanking Our Lucky Stars and Counting Our Blessings

I was struggling to get a better view of the road through the camera's viewfinder. It's not every day that you get to see wonderful sceneries on a highway, that too while the vehicle is still in motion. Viknesh was on the car's backseat, looking at the scenery to his left. Benjamin, wearing his 'cool' red sunglasses and cracking an occasional PJ, was driving cheerfully. 'Suttum vizhi chudare' from Ghajini was playing on the audio system.

Benjamin suddenly jammed the brakes and the Verna skid towards the right for a few metres, hit the median and turned sharp leftwards and descended into a pit dug up for the six-lane expansion project on the highway. Shaken and stirred, yet unhurt, all three of us got out of the car. A huge crowd surrounded us to check the scene.........

24/12/2011

The day our Christmas and New Year holiday commenced. All three of us were on our way home to spend the precious 9 days that made almost all our friends envy us. It was a bright day. The sun shone brighter than usual and we started our roadtrip around 7.45 AM. A Bengaluru-Chennai trip does not take more than 6 hours usually. But it took us nearly 15 hours that day – the reason, the accident we met with on our way.

Benjamin is not a reckless driver; he’s a highly responsible one. He does love speed, but he’s always in control of the vehicle. He reads Lakshmi’s (his car) mind and drives accordingly. But what can he only do when it was destined that a moronic and completely mindless lady with 0% road sense should screw up our day by causing a nearly fatal accident?

Also, it was Viknesh’s first ever road trip and he was looking forward to it eagerly ever since he knew about the plan. We were listening to Tamil movie songs on the car’s audio system and singing along happily. There were the occasional I’m-always-ready-to-race kind of drivers on the road and Ben showed them who the boss was time and again. Ben and I were determined to make Viknesh’s first ever road trip a very memorable one for him. We even put up our ‘Malarey mounama…’ performance, one of our most favourite pastimes, with me singing the male lines and Ben singing the female lines in the female voice – in this case, S Janaki’s.

Besides the fuel break at a petrol pump in Koramangala, the very long wait at each and every toll plaza and a brief pause for breakfast at a roadside eatery somewhere after Krishnagiri, there were no other halts during our journey. The journey itself was really smooth until a lady on a Scooty Pep with two kids crossed the road from the wrong side and made the whole event take a horrible turn. The ‘Wrong Turn’ in our lives......

Ben was driving steadily at a speed of 85-90 kmph because he realized that the car was consuming a lot of fuel at higher speeds. Just near this village called Elarappatti, he noticed a lady on a scooter with two kids crossing the road.

Now, let me tell you how she crossed the road. She started the scooter, rode a few metres forward, and stopped at the middle of the road for no reason whatsoever. Ben thought she was making way for us and steered right. The lady suddenly changed her mind and started the vehicle without realizing that she was crossing our path. This came as a bolt from the blue to Ben, who, just like Viknesh, was witness to the lady’s totally mindless act. He jammed the brakes because he had no other option. The car would have certainly hit the lady if he hadn’t done that.

The lady never stopped. She just sped away.

The camera slipped from my hands and fell near the pedals. My spectacles went flying and landed at the same spot. Unable to withstand the inertia, Viknesh automatically bent forward with his head almost getting stuck between the two seats in front.  The car came to a sudden standstill in the pit and the three of us emerged out totally unscathed.  I spat on the ground and out came blood instead of saliva. I had a very small wound inside my mouth. We realized it was the only physical injury any of us incurred and were glad that none of us got seriously injured. But Ben was completely inconsolable. He was broken into pieces when he saw that the front right tyre had burst and the impact had damaged the wheel’s rim and front bumper.

The highway maintenance team brought a tow truck to take the car out from the pit and the Verna had to be towed for nearly 50-60 km to Vellore, where the nearest Hyundai service station was located.

Among the people gathered around us was a highway patroller who saw the whole incident. As luck would have it, he affirmed the fact that the lady had caused the accident and that we had nothing to do with it. His presence in the scene helped us a lot in explaining the situation to the cops, who would later employ methods to extract money from us. Their cheapness became evident when they asked Ben to pay a huge sum of 3000 rupees as a bribe to give him the certificate required to claim insurance. Well, that’s another story altogether. But the irony is that the highway patroller was a policeman himself and was a very honest and helpful person at the same time. Duality is omnipresent.

The accident did give us a huge shock and traumatized us to a great extent. But in the end, we let perspective take charge and show us the good things that saved us from great peril.

What if the car had collided with the scooter? Three people would have died and three people would have been behind bars.

What if we hadn’t worn our seat belts? We would have definitely died on the spot or would have been injured seriously.

What if the highway patroller were not in the scene? It would have become difficult for us to explain our case to the police who would in turn try their best to milk money from us.

Finally, what if we didn’t have sane heads above our shoulders and a sense of humour inside those heads? We would have certainly found it very tough to cope up with difficult situations such as these.

Such infinite “what ifs” open up a myriad of grave possibilities that would have made things worse. Luckily, none of these “what ifs” took place and that’s the reason we are now counting our blessings and thanking our lucky stars for being on our side. That’s again the reason my belief in God (not deities, but a higher force that is above and within all of us) has increased. Considering the very next day was Christmas, it would have become much more difficult for our families if they were to hear bad news about their children. I, later, told Benjamin that he himself was the best Christmas gift his family got this year to which he nodded in the affirmative.

Amidst this chaos, there were other things that are definitely worth mentioning here – the importance of making people feel good, the joy of giving and the heartfelt blessings of a fellow human being.

There was a guy in the crowd, who, just like others, was inspecting the damaged car out of curiosity. He noticed that the car alone had suffered serious injuries whereas all three lives that travelled in it were unhurt. He said something that I’ll remember throughout my life. He said, “Neenga yaarukko romba nalla dharmam panni irukkeenga. Adhu dhaan ungala kaappatthichu.” (You have displayed great generosity to someone. That’s what saved you.) Read on.....

A few minutes before the accident, when we went to break our fast, a poor old lady, selling flowers, asked me to buy some. I refused and went ahead for breakfast. She came back again after we were done with our food and once again persuaded me to buy some flowers. I gave her ten rupees and she gave me a muzham (a forearm’s length) of jasmine she had. She told me that her business wasn’t doing well and asked me for ten more rupees. I felt bad for her and gave her what she asked. She blessed us saying, “Unakku romba punniyama poagum.” (May all blessings be with you.) I then placed the flowers on the picture of Jesus Christ stuck to the car’s dashboard.

I wouldn’t have realized the depth and sincerity of the old lady’s words if we hadn’t met with the accident and the stranger hadn’t spoken about the value of generosity. I got reminded of an old Tamil song that goes, “Dharmam thalai kaakkum; thakka samayatthil uyir kaakkum.” (Dharma saves your head; and at the appropriate time it also saves your life.)

Another lesson we learnt is on the importance of a sense of humour. Well, what has happened has happened. There is no way you can undo it. That being the case, what’s the point in feeling unending sorrow? Moving on is the only best thing possible. I got reminded of a quote by Kahlil Gibran: “A sense of humour is a sense of proportion.”

We also found solace in the fact that good people still roam the earth. The highway patroller, the maintenance guys from L&T and the mineral water can storehouse owner who offered us help increased our belief in humanity. We complain about bad people, but we fail to realize that goodness is inherent in all of us. It’s just that we let selfishness cloud our minds.

This accident definitely shook our souls, but there is no denying that it came along with its own share of lessons on life and living. Most important of all, I came to know about how making people feel good works wonders in life.

I turn 21 today and I’d now like to make a birthday resolution that I’ll always try my best to make people feel good. Even if I can’t, I’ll at least try my best to not make them feel bad. After all, there’s nothing we would take along with us on our final journey. Why make the journey of life miserable for our fellow human beings, brothers and sisters?

Life is fragile. Life is cruel. Yet life is sweet. Life is beautiful.

A Walk to Remember

It was around 10PM that night and I was taking a shower. Suddenly, my mind went back to a conversation that I had with my best friend Safwan on the 11th of September, 2010. We had gone to the Connemara Library and had our lunch at a small eatery nearby. Our next plan was to visit the then newly-opened Express Avenue. As is our habit, we decided to walk all the way from the library to the shopping mall. That is a staggering distance of around 3.5 kms.

My grandmother had passed away only the previous week, so we were talking about her and the funeral ceremony in general. Safwan lost his grandmother a couple of years back. He told me how nearly one thousand people had attended his grandmother's last rites and how much respect they all had for her.

I realized that his grandmother was unlike mine. Honestly speaking, I have never had a close relationship with either of my grandmothers. My maternal grandmother lived more than 400 kms away from us, so we couldn't visit her often. Unfortunately, though my paternal grandmother lived with us, she maintained a great emotional distance with us which made it seem as if she also lived 400 kms away from us. There were many reasons for us to feel this way. I don't want to get into details here though.

But then, I was pouring out my frustration towards my grandmother's ways and how she treated us when she was alive. Safwan listened to all that and asked me if I had heard of a particular story about a father and his two sons. I said I wasn't aware and he told me the story. It went like this:

A highly abusive and alcoholic person had two sons. He used to pick up fights in the neighbourhood and earned a reputation for 'pure evil.' His wife, unable to bear his atrocities, died at a very young age. The irresponsible father never cared for his sons and the two of them grew up on their own. The elder son grew up and became as abusive and reckless as his father. No one respected him and never wished to maintain a cordial relationship with him.

On the other hand, the younger son went on to become a mature individual who behaved responsibly and earned a good name in the society. He tasted success in all his ventures and everyone admired him for his determination and courage.

One day, one of the younger son's friends asked him, "Your father is the worst person I have ever known personally and your brother is the second worst. How come you alone are different from them?"

To this, the 'odd man out' replied, "My brother considered my father a role model of 'how to live' and I considered the same person a role model of 'how not to live'. That's what made me stand apart from them."

The friend was quite surprised by the answer and acquired some essential wisdom for life.

By the time Safwan finished telling this story, we had almost reached Express Avenue. I learnt a great lesson that day. You would have come across that lesson time and again in your lives.

The lesson is: "Everyone has something to teach. It's what we learn and how we learn it that moulds our characters."

Safwan and I have walked long distances on previous occasions too and those memories will be fresh in my mind as well. The reason for that would be either something humourous or unusual. But the reason to remember this particular walk till death is something worth cherishing. I had learnt a highly valuable lesson.

The Art of Parenting

“And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children."

And he said:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.”

       - An excerpt from Kahlil Gibran’s “The Prophet”

I’m not sure how many people have read these words, or how many people have realized the truth behind these words through their experiences in life. But what I’m sure of is a major portion of Indian parents, especially those belonging to the middle class, would not even understand what Gibran conveys through these words. Even if they do understand, they would never apply it in their lives.

That brings us to the ever-raging debate of ‘responsible parenting.’ “India is progressing in many areas, but Indian people are not.” This argument holds good even when you consider the Indian way of parenting. Despite various rational explanations and realizations, this particular area is in a standstill. Most of the Indian youth still do not pursue their passions due to the overwhelming compulsion of their parents. Be it professional life, or personal life, it is the parents who still have the rights to make the final decision.

Going back to the Vedic period, children were sent to gurukulas, where they learnt whatever they wished to learn and attained excellence in it. Perhaps, that’s how ancient India had an abundance of skilled artisans in different fields, which eventually brought in a great deal of wealth to the whole nation. Children learnt what they wanted to learn and did what they wanted to do. But the present day scenario is diametrically opposite to the aforementioned case. Citing reasons such as financial security in the long run, today’s parents do not allow their children to pursue their own passions.

First of all, parents mainly think that children lack experience and that this lack of experience would not help them in life. So what? The child has so many years of life left. He/she would continue to learn till death. ‘No matter how hard you teach, anyone can understand anything only if he/she puts in the same effort to learn.’ Today’s advice-o-phobic youth wants to experience everything firsthand. While this may not be possible and advisable in each and every case, it is worth taking the risk in simple things.

The Western way of bringing up kids is quite commendable. The child is a part of the family only till a particular age. After that, one has to go on with life on one’s own. We may observe this wonderful trend among animals. A tiger raises and takes care of its cubs only till a certain age, after which the cubs become ‘solitary reapers.’ This practice is not restricted only to tigers, but can be noticed in the case of almost all animals. If that’s how nature wants things to be, why should we attempt to alter it? Precisely, that’s what Indian parents do. Attempt to alter the way of nature.

To be honest, we still live in a backward society. How can we call ourselves ‘forward-thinking,’ when the freedom and interests of individuals are not respected? Children should be motivated to live and do things on their own. After all, we live only once. Why should we convince and console ourselves if we can’t achieve our dreams? In fact, parents should be the first people to teach and inspire their children to dream and pursue those dreams. They should not exhibit any kind of negativity in their thoughts or words.

The matter gets worse when it comes to personal life. Most youngsters do not end up marrying the ones they love sincerely and wholeheartedly. Broken hearts, lifelong grievances and unhappy lives are what we find frequently due to love affairs that do not end in marriage. What kind of freedom is it if a person cannot marry the one whom he/she loves?
I don’t suggest that parents abandon their children and go on with their own lives. I only suggest that parents stop holding their children’s hands when the latter become 100% confident of walking on their own.

Parenting is an art. Perhaps, that’s why we rarely see a da Vinci or a Picasso amidst us.